Reconciliation After Infidelity: Avoid Making These 10 Mistakes in Your Marriage

So your spouse has cheated. Or maybe you’re the one who has been unfaithful. Either way, you’ve decided to see whether your marriage can be saved. That endeavor—saving a marriage after infidelity—is a big one that is rife with challenges. Nonetheless, it can be done. You’ll do it much faster and easier if you can avoid these marriage reconciliation mistakes that people often make following an extramarital affair.

1.  Not showing the golden duo. The golden duo is remorse and empathy, and they must be exhibited in abundance by the unfaithful spouse in the wake of the affair.

2.  Maintaining contact with the affair partner. This can be tricky when it comes to co-worker affairs, but measures that are both realistic and strict must be immediately taken.

3.  Not being transparent. It’s important to have an open-phone policy where you share passwords to your devices and online accounts.

Remember – those who have nothing to hide hide nothing

4.  Making big decisions too soon. This isn’t the time to make emotion-based decisions. This is the time to use your head, not just your heart, when it comes to deciding whether to leave the marriage or work on it.

5.  Having sex too soon. Couples struggling to rebuild after an affair often want to return to a state of normalcy as quickly as possible, but having sex too soon as a way to “reclaim one’s territory” or return to normalcy can backfire.

6.  Insisting on too many details. Saying (or screaming) “Tell me everything!” can complicate matters for both the betrayed spouse and the one who has broken trust in some way. The details of the affair must be handled with more care and forethought.

7.  Withholding information. Infidelity is scary for both the injured spouse and the one who has strayed from the marriage, but withholding information—at least certain information—from the betrayed spouse may not be the right approach.

8.  Contacting the affair partner. A betrayed spouse may reach out to the affair partner for any number of reasons: however, it’s (almost) always the wrong thing to do.

9.  Taking bad advice. Both spouses may feel alone, confused, and unsupported. But turning to the wrong people and getting bad advice can make things a lot worse.

And the biggest mistake of all:

10.  Ignoring red flags, including manipulative behavior. This is perhaps the biggest mistake that a betrayed spouse can make. Again, spouses facing an infidelity want things to feel “normal” again soon. Unfortunately, this can lead some betrayed spouses to willfully ignore their unfaithful partner’s ongoing uncooperative or untrustworthy behavior, from a lack of remorse to a lack of transparency, hoping things will get better on their own. They rarely do. And there’s no point “fixing” a marriage only to have it break again with the slightest tension.

Of course, there are no guaranteed ways to save a marriage after infidelity. There are, however, certain behaviors that are pretty much guaranteed to sink it, and these ten mistakes fall into that category. They definitely aren’t alone in that category—people make all kinds of mistakes for all kinds of reasons after an affair is discovered—but they’re common nonetheless. So if you’re making any of them, stop.

And if you’re a betrayed spouse faced with an unfaithful partner—one who is continuing to be uncooperative and untrustworthy—you may need to handle things more assertively.

For example, if your spouse isn’t showing remorse or empathy, if they’re not being transparent, if they’re withholding information or continuing to see the affair partner, you may wish to consider our book The Stubborn Affair: Dealing With Infidelity and a Spouse Who Wont’ End Their Affair. It is a rare and candid resource that helps a betrayed spouse decide how they’re going to handle their partner’s difficult behavior in a confident, practical way.

Because The Stubborn Affair isn’t therapy—it’s strategic management of this kind of marriage crisis.

*Ideal for a fast, convenient & discreet purchase. Read on mobile, tablet or desktop.