You’ve heard of the male midlife crisis. You’ve heard of gray divorce. Well, in the middle of that unhappy intersection stands a woman that I call the shut-out wife.

And believe me, if anyone ever felt overwhelmed and under-supported by the position she finds herself in—frantically navigating a thousand moving parts to avoid a wreck, precisely at the age when she’d have hoped to be past such stress—it’s her.

As a woman on the far side of midlife myself, I can say that I have a certain real-world expertise about this time in life. To me, it sometimes feels like I’ve run about halfway through a marathon... I had a lot of energy for the first half, but now I’d kind of like to just find a nice coffee shop along the route and stop for a while, maybe have a good latte and cheesecake, do a little shopping... you know, take it easy.

Like many women, I know that my energy, motivation and interest in completing the race will return. I just need a breather. I also need to know that the second half of the race will be different. I’ll have a little more freedom to run it at my own pace, to stop when and where and for how long I want. I need to know that when I get home, things will be where I left them. The people in my life will still be there. In fact, when they see how tired I am, they will open the door and help me carry in my shopping bags.

That doesn’t happen for the shut-out wife. As the name implies, the door is closed. And on the other side—or maybe he’s not on the other side, maybe he’s left the building entirely—is her husband.

Because you see, her husband is also about halfway through his race. And he wants the second half to be different too. Unfortunately, when it comes to some types of midlife crises, that can usher in a world of uncertainty, anxiety and feelings of rejection for his wife.

Of course, most husbands and wives navigate midlife together. Many grow closer and find new meaning and adventure, simultaneously looking back with happy nostalgia and appreciation for each other, and looking ahead with excitement and shared interests.

But the shut-out wife doesn’t feel affection or gratitude from a loving husband.

She’s lucky if she feels anything at all from him, at least anything other than confusion, coldness or even contempt. She is not his priority, and most of the time doesn’t even feel like his partner.

It’s like the years they shared, the experiences and memories they shared, never existed. It’s like she’s talking to a stranger, one who seems unmoved by her pain, unconcerned about her well-being and uninterested in her life. Instead, he’s only interested in his own pleasure, concerned about his own happiness and interested in his own life. He pulls away from her and seems to almost step out of their marriage, closing the door behind him.

She’s left in a daze, feeling—as the name implies—shut out of his life.

She doesn’t know what he’s thinking, what he’s planning, what he’s doing or who he’s doing it with... because yes, infidelity and the midlife crisis too often go hand in hand. That’s true of both men and women who have midlife crises, but still more common when it comes to men.

So really, I can’t think of a better description than “shut out.” Because that’s what you feel like, that’s what you are, when someone you love shuts you out of their life. It’s bad enough when it’s a friend or a family member, but when it’s a husband, it’s far worse. Because he isn’t just shutting his wife out of his own life, he’s shutting her out of the life they’ve shared for many years.

So what do you do if you’re shut out of your husband’s life?

Should you turn to family and friends? Sure, with a caveat: take their support wholeheartedly but their advice with a dose of objectivity and self-reflection. This is your marriage and you know it best, so don’t let their concern for you (which is welcome and wonderful) manifest as unrestrained criticism of your husband (which is unhelpful).

Should you turn to other women who are experiencing the same thing? Sure, if that helps, although again with a caveat: be careful that it doesn’t turn into a “misery loves company” kind of situation where you lose objective focus of your own situation and marriage. Negativity, fear, worry, speculation—these can be contagious. Be supported, not swayed.

Should you turn to a counselor or spiritual advisor? Sure, whatever you need. Prioritize yourself at this point—someone has to!—and find the support you both deserve and need.