When Your Spouse’s “Friend” Moves Closer to Becoming the “Other Woman” or “Other Man”

Some things are built for two. Teeter-totters. Loveseats. The Porsche Boxster. And yes, marriage. Which begs the question: Can a married person have a platonic friendship with another man or woman outside of their marriage? Yes, of course they can. Platonic friendships are very possible…providing there’s no attraction between the two friends and no chance that their friendship could, at some point, take on a flirtatious undertone.

Because if there is some level of attraction between them – well, that’s not really a strictly platonic friendship, is it?

No, the two friends might not end up having sex; however, the attraction between them and the inevitable flirting may still present a degree of betrayal to the marriage, especially since their spouse is bound to notice and begin to worry about it.

The truth is, even “innocent” or “harmless” flirting in the form of inside jokes or cute text messages between a married person and their friend can be deeply hurtful to a spouse who must then oh-so-cautiously decide how to handle the situation, lest they appear a paranoid or jealous person. Too often, this can put one spouse in an unfair and unenviable no-win situation.

The no-win situation

Either the worried spouse bites their tongue and lives with the increasing hurt or concern, or they voice their feelings and are met with their partner’s defensiveness, downplaying or deflection.

And too often, as the friendship grows stronger and more flirtatious, the marriage grows weaker and colder.

Sometimes, the partner with the friendship will actually share these growing marriage troubles with their friend.  They’ll complain that their wife or husband isn’t happy about their friendship.

And their friend will console them.  She or he might say, “That’s awful!  We’re just friends. Your wife/husband should trust you!”

And there it is – the first chink in the marriage armor.

Despite what I’ve said here, I absolutely believe that platonic friendships in marriage are possible. We all have them, and they can enrich our lives and our marriages.

But extramarital friendships that take up too much time, too much energy, and cause too many hard feelings and arguments between spouses… friendships that blur the line between friendly and flirty… at some point, you need to ask yourself whether a truly platonic friendship would really cause that much trouble in an otherwise happy and healthy marriage.

Because there is no doubt that overly close friendships often develop into all-out infidelity.

If this has resonated with you, and if your husband or wife is having a friendship that you fear is becoming something more, it may be time to talk to him or her about it in more serious terms.

If that doesn’t work, stop talking and do something else. You may wish to consider my book The Stubborn Affair: Dealing With Infidelity and Spouse Who Won’t End Their Affair. In addition to covering affairs, it also addresses overly close friendships of the kind that can lead to infidelity.

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